April 2011
Things that Catch Couples Off Guard - Differing Sex Needs
Early in relationships couples often feel on the same page sexually. I met a very intelligent man once who was disappointed that after twenty years, four children and a dual career household, that his wife did not want to have sex with him everyday. He was convinced there must be some else, and she was convinced he was a sex addict.
He remembered those carefree days before children, when sex was more frequent.
After we discussed the different sex needs of men and women, and different arousal patterns between men and women, he vowed he would have frank talk with his teenage boys, so they didn't have to endure the level of rejection he had felt over the years.
TO THE MEN:
Men, women need the following to be ready for sex.
Affirmation - let her know she is appreciated and important in your life
Connection - look her in the eyes when you talk with, let her know your listening listening
Nonsexual Touch - try at least three hugs per day "just because" without sexual overtones
Intimacy - knowing that you share common interests, leads to connection, which leads to sex
Romance - most women will melt with heartfelt attempts at romance. Once you've caught the girl, don't leave the romance behind. It will change over the years but that's the fun of trying different things.
TO THE WOMEN:
Women, men need the following to feel fulfilled in their sex life.
Mutual Satisfaction - men experience more satisfaction, when they know their partner is satisfied. In other words don't fake it or just go through the motions. Let him know what helps you feel satisfied. Men cant' read women's minds as much as we wish they could.
Connection - loyalty and support help men feel connected to their partner.
Responsiveness - Just like women want romance, men like their partner to respond to their overtures (but a fair supply of non sexual hugs makes it easier for women to be responsive)
Initiation - men are sexual beings, and having their partner initiate helps fed that need, and reduces the fear of rejection.
Affirmation - men thrive on respect and affirmation. Try the Eggerich's test from the book Love and Respect and just mention," I was thinking about something I really respected about you today". Just fill in the blank and see what happens!